I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately.

As I've spent the summer mindlessly writing cover letter after cover letter and sending out applications clear across rhode island and most of massachusetts that's at least south of boston and east of worcester, it's been a situation where I totally want to hear back from these schools, have an opportunity to promote myself in an interview, finally have a position that's mine. OF course I've become increasingly disheartened for every time my application package (which even a modest person like myself can admit, is as impressive as possible for someone looking for their first teaching job) is overlooked for even a first round interview.

Yet while my only goal since April or so has been to find a job teaching elementary school or elementary/middle special ed, I still know what I knew while I was student teaching, over the past year while I didn't have a job, while I worked at Thompson, which is this: I'm sure that one of these teaching jobs wouldn't make me unhappy. I wouldn't dread going to work every day or anything. But I don't have that absolute passion to do it. 

Anyway, what my lack of a job has done is give me time to think about what would really make me happy. Not what I could tolerate, or what would make me good money, but what I would actually go to work every day happily to do. I know this has changed recently. I used to say I wouldn't mind a career that took up a lot of time, that required me to travel around, that I wouldn't mind sacrificing a lot of time and effort because that would be the main focus of my life, at least for awhile. But things are different now, I'm pretty sure I've met the man I'm going to be with forever, and that marriage and even a family is not that far off into the future--sure it might be years, but when I think about priorities now, I wouldn't sacrifice my family for a career. When I'm married, I don't want to go days when I don't see my husband for more than a few minutes, or be so tired after work that all I can do is fall asleep. I don't want my kids to be raised by somebody else. Of course I want to work, but that weather-chaser-in-kansas job isn't going to cut it; neither is the agent-for-an-up-and-coming-music-star in NYC. So, maybe it's a good thing that now I narrow down the things I might want to do.  These are the things I have been considering, and what it would entail.

• still teaching, but getting my music certification and teaching music instead.  All my complaints about teaching aside, teaching music would actually give me the chance to teach a subject I love. Of course there are still standards and expectations and other hassles to deal with (other teachers who think music is not as important as their subject, the fear of a city cutting the music program and being out of a job, just to name a few), but I think the downsides to the job are easier to take when you love what you're teaching. I remember when I was student teaching my last semester at school. Even though I loved the kids and liked what I was doing...I'd look at the clock and think to myself...I wish I was in sightsinging class with the rest of the music majors right now. I'd do my theory homework during planning periods. I'd rush out the door as soon as I could so I could make it to a 3pm voice lesson. I'd leave my apt at 7:45, go to school til 3, then with work and practicing and lessons and class and rehearsals and sectionals and eboard meetings, I wouldn't get back home sometimes til 11pm, yet to me those last 7-8 hours of a long ass day didn't bother me one bit. Anyway, while my comments may make this sound like a no-brainer, there are a few things that make it a tough decision. I would have to go back to school for at least 2 semesters of classes, and then depending on whether I could manipulate and get certified by Mass. without student teaching, possibly a third semester of full-time, unpaid teaching. Taking the classes would be no problem, I love that part of it. Paying for the classes is the difficult part. When I graduated, I had about $30,000 in loans. Even if I could get enough in new loans to cover the 2-3 semesters of additional class, would I really want to add another $20-$25K to do it at Salve? The only other realistic option I have would be to get the degree from RIC, which would be cheaper, but after being away from music for almost 2 years, I'm not sure I could even get into the program. Most of my already-completed credits wouldn't carry over there. Plus, all I hear are stories of how snotty the music kids are there. Nearby state schools in MA-Umass Dartmouth, Bridgewater State--don't have decent music programs. I wouldn't spend the same amount of money I'd spend at SRU to go to a different private school in RI. URI's out of state tuition is virtually the same as a private school. Plus, the teachers at salve would be willing to work anything out with me as far as independent study classes, waiving me out of as many secondary ed classes as possible, making it so that I'm taking only the classes I need, in ways/times that are convenient for me while I'm also working some kind of (most likely full-time) job. But then I think, is there really such a huge difference between $30 and $50K in loans? But there's also the fear that...I can't get a job in the field i'm certified in now, what makes me think I"d have any easier a time getting a music job? Sure, if I did it I'd have both certifications to fall back on, but then what a waste in a year or two if I got hired to teach an elementary class and all that time/money went into a music degree?
• On the other side, I"ve been thinking about what sort of thing I would do that doesn't involve teaching exactly. Considering the types of things I would like to do and the type of environment I"d like to work in, I started to wonder what education/qualifications you needed to work in a university office. I'm mostly interested in being an academic adviser. But thought about things like, running a res life program, or directing student activities, things like that. Higher-up positions that aren't just entry-level office jobs. So, in my quest for information they actually have a human services major that concentrates in student affairs/higher education. I could get a masters in that. Although, around here, there aren't many schools that carry it. URI, umass amherst (too far anyway) and northeastern and a few more. I need to look further into this to find out if there are other degrees that are similar that serve the same purpose, and where some good programs are. But it's a thought. I really like the idea of working in a college environment. It's still working with students in a way. And I think I be good at that sort of thing.

edit: I originally had a long rant about everything I hate about the teaching profession right now. But I reread it and decided it was highly inappropriate and if it ever got to anyone who was thinking of giving me a job, I'd be blacklisted from schools forever. So I took it out. If you happened to read it before I scratched it, please don't thin i'm a heartless lunatic. :)